November the 7th. Back again. I was hoping that this year I wouldn’t think about it, and that one day I’d be like “Oh… isn’t that day coming up?” Only to discover it had passed several days ago.
Only it didn’t.
I was sitting in class. I wrote down the date on my notes and was tracing over it with my pen… and it hit me. 11/7. So much for paying attention in class? I couldn’t focus. My mind was consumed. I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. I wanted to get away and get alone as soon as possible.
But I really couldn’t. There was a snow storm today so I couldn’t be outside, my roommates were all in the apartment, and there was no way I was going to hash out these issues in the silent library. There was just no where to be alone.
So I distracted myself. I stuck with someone who helped me keep my mind off of it for most of the evening. And I was blessed by friends with kind words of encouragement and a wonderful, perfectly-timed cup of hot chocolate. (I’m really beginning to think that my love language is, in fact, food.)
Yeah, there have been times today that I’ve questioned whether or not to take a second shower because I needed to cry… (and I HATE crying) There have been moments that I have gone into other worlds, consumed in thought about it all. There have been moments that I’ve muttered strings of four-lettered-words under my breath in bitterness because not only did something happen that I didn’t ask for and that I tried to stop… but it is also still a part of my life today. “Hey cool… You weren’t invited. Oh, even better! You’re not leaving.” (more four-lettered words…Lime, Ruby, Sand, Work… )
But today… as crappy as it has been mentally and emotionally… today was better than last year. Last year I was in the fetal position on the floor of my apartment doing the ugly cry after I had written out everything I was thinking and feeling on paper.
It’s been two years. I wrote this post last year at this time and while I do experience a lot of that from time to time… I’m so happy with the progress I’ve made.
I’m not as sour at people for being sympathetic or trying to be encouraging… I really appreciate it.
I feel more comfortable with talking about it, which I needed.
I’ve been having fewer panic attacks… thank GOD!
And I really feel like I’m healing.
But the two most important things? I’ve found myself again and I’ve found peace with God.
I don’t know why bad things happen… why there’s evil… why God allows it to exist. But I do know that God loves me and wants what’s best for me. And what would be better for me? To have a perfect/harmless life? Or to wrestle with God in order to understand and know Him more? I think I’m better off with Him than I am with this earthly life.
And myself. I’m so glad to be back. I’m glad to feel stable again.. to feel like I can freely give out hugs without fear again.. to feel confidence, joy, and beauty in myself again… to be making decisions in prayer and thorough examination and not just fear anymore.. I love it.
Today sucks. The world sucks. Sin sucks. Evil sucks. November the 7th sucks.
But my God is good and He’s making His face shine down upon me today and I cannot thank or praise Him enough for that and the progress I’ve made. Hallelujah