What If It Really Isn’t Well With My Soul?

Do you ever feel like God’s promises are true for everyone but you?
That somehow you can reason your way through the tales of His goodness
With the guilt trip that you shouldn’t have a good life as a Christian,
Or that you reap what you sew no matter how merciful He is?
He is just too.  What’s to say He’s not justly punishing you?
What’s the difference between a consequence and a punishment?
Is there a difference?
Then you tell yourself it’s all about perspective,
That God’s goodness in the joy He gives you and that He will sustain you.
And everyone else tells you that “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
Then you think… maybe God’s goodness was already shown on the cross
And will be shown in heaven
And how dare you complain about now when He already has and will do so much.
Then someone so graciously reminds you
“Now… now… our treasures should be in heaven and not earth.”
They walk away feeling good about themselves
You wonder if their pious little butt really doesn’t care about their earthly life.
Then someone who is not a Christian questions
“If God is really good, why do bad things happen to good people?”
And all your Sunday school training says “No one is good.  We’re all born into sin.”
But you question the same thing.
You post those statuses and tweets of truths you struggle to believe
Hoping that if you say it publicly, you’ll take it to heart
Then you see that other person online who raves about their love for Jesus
And you want to puke because of how fake it seems to you,
Because you know how they live their life off of social media.
But then you scold yourself for not being able to see them as Christ sees them,
Which then reminds you of all the people in your life who,
No matter how hard you try to get that log of a grudge out of your eye,
You struggle to love or even see them as brothers and sisters in Christ
Or if not that, just simply a beautiful design from the Creator.
It also shows that no matter how long you’ve worked, prayed, tried, and fought.
You still struggle with the same things you have for years.
Because two and a half years ago you were writing this already.
In poem after poem.
Only now your heart has grown more cynical and has only been broken more.
The gospel clicks for you and then again it doesn’t.
Some days it puts you in tears.
Some days you’re enraptured by it.
Then back to tears…
Then it makes you boil,
and then back to tears.
How is it ok to have someone sinless cover it all for you?
And if He could forgive, why can’t you?
But then you cycle and cycle and cycle.
Nothing ever stays the same.
Nothing gold can stay.
You want to be climbing up the mountain of faith
But it feels like you’re just circling around the same level,
Running into the same trees in different seasons.
His ways are higher than our own.
So sit down, shut up, and stop crying about it,
Because you’re just too human to get a satisfying answer.
You can’t tell what’s more messed up.
What’s He’s done and is doing,
Or the fact that you think it’s messed up in the first place.
But the gospel is messed up right?
It’s just. not. right.
Beautifully, tragically messed up.
Could you be beautifully messed up too?
Ah, it’s not quite the same thing…

Lord, I believe… but help my unbelief.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s