I Have No Idea What I’m Thinking

Seriously, I don’t.  I mean, I can identify my random thoughts, but I can’t find one consistent thing that I’m thinking about.

I’ve thought about my family.  I’ve thought about the homework I should be doing.  I’ve thought about the pumpkins my brothers and I carved this afternoon.  I’ve thought about how I accidentally bit the nail on my right pointer finger too short and it hurts like crazy every time I use it to type.  I’ve thought about marriage.  I’ve thought about honesty and lies and how much I’ve been hearing them lately.  I’ve thought about cutting my hair super short or growing it super long. I’ve thought about my love life… or potential for one… or lack of one right now (however you want to look at it).  I’ve thought about why my lip is swelling right now.  On and on.

I tried writing a poem.  But it just started turning into every other poem I write and I scrapped it.  I tried typing out words and seeing what came to my head.  All I came up with was Foam, Furl, Faint.  Why F?  I do not know.

I want to write something.  But I just can’t find anything to write about… so I’m turning to you guys.  Anything you want to read? Anything you think I should write about?  I’m feeling less than inspired and I need an idea that doesn’t come from inside this head. 

Have You Ever Lived With A Pug?

Because I have for the past 10 years.  And let me tell you, it’s fun.  Yes, pugs can be very ugly.  Yes, they can have bad gas because they have to breathe out of their mouths more than their nose.  And yes, they are lazy and stubborn.  But he’s the sweetest thing.  He’s patient and he is the ultimate definition of a lap dog.  He also provides great comedic relief to the family.  There are not many people out there that you can call fat, ugly, and stupid without offending them or getting in trouble.  But he has no idea what you’re saying when you say it in a positive tone of voice.  It’s great therapy I tell ya.  So for the past few days I’ve had my camera on me and I’ve just been gathering videos of my dog.  I’ve compiled them all together here.  Now you can know what it is like to live with a pug.

Creepy Dad vs. Precious Dad

I hate to be cliche but… I’m a professional facebook stalker.  If I want to know something about you… I can pretty much figure it out via facebook.  If I want to know something about your cousin’s friend who I’ve never met and am not friends with on facebook… I can still figure it out via facebook.  In the same beat, I have a problem with scrolling through photos of people I don’t even know.  Specifically if they’re wedding photos or newborn/pregnancy photos.

I have to say, all of my friends who have babies have the sweetest pictures, but I think it’s because I know them.  When you start looking at pictures of people you don’t know, you start to get seriously creeped out.  Probably because you don’t know their personality, their sense of humor, or even what their natural smile is.  Because of this, I have discovered a recent pandemic of newborn photos.  And that is the “proud daddy” photos.

There are some VERY precious photos.

And then there are the… no so precious photos


I’ll show you more photos in a bit to make my point.   But photos of “proud daddies” can be creepy or precious and it all depends on who they’re thinking about when the picture is taken.

Precious proud daddies are either thinking about the person taking the photo (which can often be the mother) or the baby.  Creepy proud daddies are thinking about themselves and when they do that… all that the look says is “Hey, check it out.  I impregnated a woman!”   Yes, I know I’m probably beginning to sound judgmental.  But look…


This dad (and baby) appear to be thinking about the person behind the camera (which I assume is the mother based on the endearing look on his face).   This picture is sweet.


This dad appears to be thinking of himself in the picture… and it comes off as creepy.
“I impregnated a woman!”

Don’t believe me?  How about this guy?

Again, all I see coming from him is “I impregnated a woman.”

“I impregnated a woman.”

Now if you’re thinking that it’s just physical features and not actually what the guys are thinking that makes them creepy… think again.

Here we have a dad in short shorts, with slicked hair, and a pedo/porno mustache and I think this picture is precious.   Why?  because it looks like he’s thinking about the baby and the person behind the camera.  Not himself.

Now I’m sure some of these pictures would be a lot sweeter to me if I knew the guys personally… but because I don’t and it creeps me out, and since father’s day is coming up, I’m writing this post.

So my general piece of advice, men, if you have a baby coming… just chill.  Enjoy your baby.  Enjoy your woman.  Don’t pose for the camera.  Let the camera capture the moments.    Lest your dear newborn photos end up on awkward family photos.

Trust me, you don’t want to be the dad who thinks about himself when pictures are getting taken.  It may just be a slightly creepy newborn picture now, but 18 years down the road…

Sun-kissed Skin and the Surprises Within

I’ve wanted to write about butterflies for a while now,
but it always comes out mega cliche.
But with the way today has played out,
my walk with God, my counseling session, 
my daily experiences,
things going on in my life, and my personal feelings,
I’ve had this butterfly feeling/imagery going on in my head.
So, I felt it was only appropriate to write it now.

I sit on a sunny day
And feel the breeze fly past me
Letting all my worries melt away
And finally seeing my heart freed

And right there in the corner of my sight
A butterfly swoops up to my door
I’m caught off guard by its beauty in flight
And it’s followed quickly by more

Colors dancing in the air
As they fly all around me
Some land on me, my fingers, my hair
And look as happy as can be

I think for a moment, “I’ve seen these before”
But then I take a closer look
Their flight is different. They’ve got new decor
These creatures are from a whole new book

I close my eyes and smile
Relaxed, happy, and at peace
I haven’t felt this way in a while
So I’ll let the butterflies increase

Worms

I debated posting this.  I wrote this poem around a year ago.  On really… really bad day.  And I guess I just never posted it.  So the other day when I found it, I kind of went back and forth as to whether I should just delete it or post it.   Obviously you can tell which one I chose..  It’s just an interesting perspective on where I was a year ago… and interesting to think of what has changed.  So ya.. here’s the poem.

It would be raining on a day like this.
I’m falling apart.  I know no bliss.
Who am I?  What’s going on?
I’ve lost the happiness I had for so long.

Worms crawling in the water that fell.
I saved one from the sidewalk and wished it well.
Where’s that shoulder for my tears?
This is only confirming my worst fears.

My tastes have changed along with my views.
I see the world different thanks to you.
I feel like I’m not whole anymore.
Scared and alone like never before.

Collapsed in the shower- too weak to stand.
This is never what I had planned.
I know that Christ is on my side
But without you… How can I get by?

Rocking back and forth.  Crying on my bed.
I never knew I could be alive and feel so dead.
I’m falling to pieces- crushed to the core.
But I know that was something we couldn’t ignore.

I’ll have to do all I can to hide my pain.
To avoid questions, my tears will be restrained.
Forever turned to never.  You’re no longer with me.
No love, joy, or comfort.  No more I’ll Be.

Twirling

There I was caught dead in my tracks
I could see the words.  I had to face the facts.
I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.
I couldn’t erase memories that defined me before.
Seeing you there, standing, through the glass.
The makeup, the hair. Growing up too fast.
Knowing it’s time, but not accomplishing it yet
Holding onto something you couldn’t quite get.
It scares me knowing she’s not that far away
But girl, you’ve made strides.  You’re on a new day.
Never feeling as capable as now.
Never feeling as freely allowed
To conquer and create.  To start something new.
To look myself in the mirror and say “This is you.”

 –

Blessed to have a God who knows me better than myself,
who gives me clarity when I actually need it
and comfort when I don’t,
who humbles me to die to myself daily,
and who strengthens me to bear my cross.

The Painting II

A little over a year ago I wrote a poem…err, free verse stanza….uhh, spoken word… ugh.. I piled together some words under the title of “The Painting

The post didn’t get many views… in fact it only got 12.. Which is nothing considering the fact that my most popular post has had 4,638 views (thanks google).   It’s funny though, because “The Painting” is one of the most personal pieces I’ve ever written.  It may not be transparent (because it’s a whole lot of symbolism) but it is VERY personal to me.

It is how I viewed my life at the time… And still how I often view it today.

It’s always been a painting in my head, never actually realized.  There were times I thought about actually painting it… but I never have been able to realize that.  Until today.

I walked into A.C. Moore, and they had a sale on canvases for $10.00.  Mind you, canvases can be pretty expensive.  As soon as I saw that, I knew I had to act on it.  I bought the canvas… along with some cheap paints and brushes, and went to work.

Bright red. Bold. Jagged edges.
Deep purple. Dragged across the paper. Streaked.
Grey. Sponged on. Like a hazy cloud.
Tan. A thick line. Straight through.
Black. One hand print. Covering all the colors.
Step back. See the whole picture.
The artist discards the work into a vat of paint.
Then picks it up again.
The deep blue paint from the vat drenches the canvas.
And slides down the painter’s hands and arms.
He steps back and observes.
What to make of it?

No, it’s not meant to be pretty.

Yes, the painting is very crude.

Sure, you can interpret the painting however you wish, even though I did create it with one meaning in mind.

It’s abstract.  It’s symbolic.  It’s not meant to look nice.  It’s meant to mean something.  And it means something to me.

*edit*
I thought I would add in a basic explanation of the painting.  Someone asked me about it last night, so I’m generalizing some of the statements I said to them and putting it here.

-The red is anger, deep seeded anger, which is why its the bottom color.

-The purple is mixed emotions.  Not being sure of which direction things are going.  Very hesitant to make a mark.

-The gray is a sense of being lost.  A daze or haziness.

-The tan is a sense of stability, equilibrium, and normality that I look for.

-The black hand print is the mark something has left on my life and how I see myself.   How it covers every aspect of the painting

-And the blue… it’s sadness.  defeat.  and also a sense of cleansing.  God washing things away.  Just as it takes time for the paint to fall down and cover all of the painting, so also will i have to wait for things to set themselves straight again.

-The artist in the poem is God, because He is the artist of my life.

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry for being a jerk and not putting you first.

I’m sorry I didn’t think about my words before I let them hurt you.

I’m sorry you had to see the worst in me, and yet you didnt let it scare you.

I’m sorry you havent had the chance you deserved, and had to go through so much junk to get where we are

I’m sorry I pushed you away when I needed you most, and never saw how much you cared.

I’m sorry I didn’t realize that you would have been there, If I had just let you in

I’m sorry I made life a rollercoaster, and that you got pulled along for the ride

I’m sorry I wasn’t sensitive to your heart and that i critiqued more than i encouraged you.

I never felt more sorry then hearing you say outloud how much it hurt.

And I never knew how much I blinded myself to until we had that long awaited hug.

Friends or not, you have been kind, and I never should have allowed myself to stew. And I’m sorry, most of all, that I took it all out on you.

Waiting For You – My Song

I made it a goal to try to record my song before the end of break… but all the recording I did at the beginning of break got lost.  😡  So I lost my motivation to rerecord, but then I remembered that break was ending.  So I went back to primitive recording techniques and pulled out a camera.

It’s not the quality I would like, my nose is stuff, but here it is!

Lyrics!

All that I see, is this darkness surrounding me
Why can’t I just flee? Why don’t I get the choice to be free?
Cause I don’t want to see myself this way anymore
You say you’re here but it feels like I’ve just been ignored

Father save me. Father raise me. Be my healer in this war.
I am broken, and it’s showing. Give me peace throughout my storm
Cause I can’t take one more night, if you don’t help me in this fight
I thought I had the strength to stand, but this isn’t what I planned
God I’m waiting for you to show

The thorn in my flesh, it’s a fear I can’t repress
I need to get rest. I need Your help to clean this mess
Even now, I see my world through the lens of that day
It’s changed my life, I don’t know how to get away

Father save me. Father raise me. Be my healer in this war.
I am broken, and it’s showing. Give me peace throughout my storm
I need rescue from my mind, so my life can be redefined.
Lord, I want to let it go.  I’m not the person I used to know.
God I’m waiting for you to show

I – can do – all things through
You – You make – all things new

Father save me. Father raise me. Be my healer in this war.
I am broken, and it’s showing. Give me peace throughout my storm
There’s no way to make this right, I can’t keep holding it inside
But this life is not my own, so I lay it at your throne
God I’m waiting for you to show

A Work in Progress…

Ok, so this is a song that I started working on about a month ago.  I wouldn’t say its done yet… The lyrics don’t flow as well as I would like them to.  Probably because I’m a little more emotionally removed from the situation right now than I was when I started writing this.  So whatever I’ve added recently isn’t as emotionally inspired as the rest is… but it is how it is.

The last time I wrote a song was 3 years ago.  I consider it my relationship with God written out in song.  It is a worship song.

*Disclaimer: I had a cold when this was recorded, so I really don’t like how I sound in this recording.

This song… this new song is a bit different.  It is still written addressed to God, but on a much more focused and intimate subject.  This song is about my struggle with having a mental disorder and the events that brought it about.   I’ve been writing down key thoughts over the past month of things I continually find myself thinking about this all, and a lot of those thoughts are written into this song.   It’s my attempt at showing how I process this all, how I sometimes perceive myself, how this affects my relationship with God, and how I need to remind myself of the goodness and steadfast faithfulness God shows me.

Part of me does not want to post it because I feel like the lyrics aren’t smoothed out yet, and because I don’t have a recording of the music with it… but I feel like there’s  an advantage to seeing this song in its raw stage with no melody accompanied with it to distract from the meaning of the words.

Also, I don’t have a title for it yet.  Two that I’m considering are “The Thorn In My Flesh” (or just “The Thorn”)  or “Waiting for You” (“to Show” possibly added on at the end).   I don’t know… Thoughts?  Ideas?  Suggestions?

So, take it or leave it.  It’s not something I love to discuss, or that I love about myself… but something I want to proactively work at not letting it tie me down.  I feel like the more I write it out, the more I think clearly about it and understand what bothers me specifically.

And if you’re going to read this, don’t skip over chorus 2 and 3 after you’ve read the first one, because each chorus is different.
Alright, *deep breath*…. Here is a public posting of a collaboration of words I put together that I’m not completely satisfied with and that communicate a very personal subject.   Here goes nothing.
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VERSE 1:
All that I see is this darkness surrounding me.
Why can’t I just flea?  Why don’t I get the choice to be free?
Cause I don’t want to see myself in this way anymore.
You say you’re here but it feels like I’ve just been ignored.

CHORUS 1:
Father save me.  Father raise me.  Be my healer in this war.
I am broken, and it’s showing.  Give me peace throughout my storm.
Cause I can’t take one more night, if you don’t help me in this fight.
I thought I had the strength to stand, but this isn’t what I planned.
God I’m waiting for you to show.

VERSE 2:
The thorn in my flesh, it’s a fear I can’t repress.
I need to get rest.  I need Your help to clean this mess.
Even now, I see my world through the lens of that day.
It’s changed my life.  I don’t know how to get away.

CHORUS 2:
Father save me.  Father raise me.  Be my healer in this war.
I am broken, and it’s showing.  Give me peace throughout my storm.
I need rescue from my mind, so my life can be redefined.
Lord, I want to let it go.  I’m not the person I used to know.
God I’m waiting for you to show.

BRIDGE:
I can do all things through
You.  You make all things new.

CHORUS 3:
Father save me.  Father raise me.  Be my healer in this war.
I am broken, and it’s showing.  Give me peace throughout my storm.
There’s no way to make this right.  I feel worthless in every light.
But this life is not my own, so I lay it at your throne.
God I’m waiting for you to show.