Somehow The Words Flow Freely Now

God, how am I supposed to act?
What am I supposed to be?
Do I force myself to change?
Or should I do what comes naturally?

You teach me about morals and love
What about my personality?
Am I supposed to adapt and adjust?
Or revel in my idiosyncrasies?

Should I be vulnerable?
Or should I guard my heart?
Show me the line between showing love
And needlessly tearing myself apart.

How am I supposed to learn from my past
If I’m being told otherwise.
What if these lessons I thought I had learned
Are making me foolish instead of wise?

I’m all worried about implications and results
But not thinking about what I’m doing now
I’m worried about doing the wrong thing
I’m worried I’ll break my internal vows.

Everything in my life has taught me one thing
But now I need another way?
Can I make the choice to do what’s not safe?
Will I just be thrown away?

I can endure and fight through what is thrown at me
But do I dare start the fight myself?
God, I have no idea how to handle this all
Don’t keep the answer to yourself.

I’m scared.  I’m scared out of my mind.
I’d do anything to not go back to that place
And yet the only way for this to work out
Is taking the same steps I tried to erase?

My methods of coping and prevention
Are causing nothing but pain.
Show me God.  Just show me the way.
But don’t let me go there again.

You’re the one who guides my heart.
You’re the one who will will never forsake me.
Let me be open and obedient to you.
God, let me be free.

A Great Romance

There is a man who loves me.
Cherishes me.  Pursues me.
I haven’t always appreciated him.
And still he fights for me.
I was disgraced.  Justice burned in his heart.
I was rebellious.  Sadness welled in his eyes.
I was broken.  Determination set on his face.
He rose up.  Left everything behind.
Disregarding expectations.
He gave up all life had for him.
And he chose to stand by my side.
He romanced me.  Spoke of the life we could have together.
He promised all he had for me.
He told me stories of his home and his dad.
Said he couldn’t wait to take me there.
He was beautiful. He loved without bound.
But there was something wrong.
He knew I wasn’t ready.  He knew I needed help.
I could not just give my heart over in the state it was in.
I was not ready to go home with him.
I was not prepared for his intimate love.
I was not prepared for his father to see me.
He knew what stood in my way.
My enemies.  My past.
And he said “I can handle it.”
I was ready to just give up,
But he knew he could take it on.
He pursued me beyond what any love had done before.
My heart sealed away in chains,
He entered the great romance.
And every assailant attacking me took it out on him.
He beared the pain, the weight, the grief.
His father turned away.
He said, “Give it all to me.” And took it to his death.
And with his blood, my heart flew free.
He stands against every attack on me, his bride to be.
He is the greatest lover who cherishes and delights in me.
He makes me beautiful in my disgrace.
He pursues me to any end.
He is the love of my life.
He wrote our ultimate love story.
He is my comfort, my life, my groom.
He is the King of kings.

Lockdown

I saw a blog the other day that was just pictures and small captions of how the picture represented how the blogger was feeling.  So I thought to myself, what would I be if I was a picture?  But that’s about as far as I got with that thought.

However, with a lot of  new things in my life lately, I’ve been analyzing how I feel and trying to figure out why I feel that way.   I’ve been confusing myself A LOT lately, I can feel great about something one minute… but then apprehensive about it the next and with no reason to feel that way.  I’ve been finding myself worried about things that make me happy.

That’s when my picture popped in my head… only I couldn’t actually take a picture of it… so I drew it.


That’s me.  Steel plated, chained, and locked.   And I like it that way.   Why?  Because it’s safer.   I’ve got Jesus in here with me.  My family has a natural ability to loosen the chains and melt the steel.  I have a friend or two that I unlock it for on occasion.  But someone new?  I don’t think I can let in anyone new.

If there’s anything life has shown me in the past two years, it’s that appearances can be deceiving.  I have too many people in my life who seem to have good intentions that end up being fickle or manipulative.  People I think I can trust, prove themselves otherwise.

I trust people that I’ve known for years, but letting someone new in is just too risky.  I mean yes there are people I feel like I can learn to trust, but they are rare, few and far between, and it will be a long time before that can happen.  I just get this feeling about them.. this feeling that I can trust them.  Like the feeling I got about my friend in my last post.  The problem is, I barely ever meet people I feel like I can trust.

I have made the mistake of trusting people that I haven’t had that feeling about and it hasn’t turned out well.  So until I have a better grasp of how to determine who I can let in, I’m on lock down. God’s got a lot of work to do here…. these are things I should talk about at oasis….

The point being, this hurts me and it hurts those around me.  Because there are people in my life that feel promising, but I just haven’t gotten that “ya, they’re good.”  Connect with them yet.  No confirmation.  I can act like we’ve got that connect, but I can’t actually let the openess and vulnerability happen.  I’m afraid of hurting people, because the longer I’m on this fence of “can I trust them or not?” the closer I get to shut down mode.  I become hypersensitive to their every action, and if they do one little thing to worry me, my mind blows it up out of proportion and I hide from them.

I’ve been in this “I can’t let myself get hurt” mindset for a while now, and was actually getting better at bringing my walls down.  But wouldn’t you know just when I think I can let loose, things just blow up in my face again.  The walls are back up people.

So ya, I may be transparent on here, but I’m not telling you guys everything.  And yes, I can be good friends with people, but there’s a level of comfort and openness missing from a lot of relationships for me on the inside.

People can’t be trusted.  That is a fact.   I’m not naive to think there are people that are ALWAYS trustworthy.  But frankly, I’m only interested in risking that trust on people that I know are important enough in my life to get past the times they let me down.  And I specifically use the phrase “let me down.”  I know my family will let me down, but they will never betray me.  I know my best friends will let me down, but they will never carelessly hurt me.  I trust those who I know want to treat me in love, even in their mistakes.  And if I don’t know whether or not you will betray me or carelessly hurt me, chances are you’re not going to be trusted with very much.

At this point, I’m rambling.  So ya… I’m trying to remember that loving someone does not mean you trust them.  I’m trying to learn who I can let in.  I’m trying to figure out why I’m so apprehensive about things that make me happy and only seem to be good.  I’m trying to be careful while at the same time not hurting people.  And I’m trying to protect myself.   “Above all else guard your heart” (what exactly does that mean????)  I know Satan does a good job of snaring me in anger and holding grudges.  So I’m protecting myself even more than normal, because, yes I don’t want to be hurt, but even more so… I don’t want to get caught up in anymore anger than I have been already.

Ugh… where am I going with this?

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you… the world’s worst ending to a blog post….. pineapples.

Sex: It’s Harder Than It Looks.


I have recently become very annoyed with Christians talking about sex.  Why?  Because in the Christian world apparently only men care about sex.

 

How many times have you been in youth group, church, chapel, Bible study, etc. and heard someone say something specifically addressed to men about sex, lust, physicality, and struggles and then add something about women and vanity, gossip, or self-image as almost an “oh yeah, gotta add in a female problem”?  I hear this ALL THE TIME.  And it drives me nuts.

 

Too often women are discounted from having sexual desires.  A pastor will say something about how he knows what it’s like struggling with lust because he’s a guy too.   “Because I’m a guy”  Why does that give him credentials? Would you believe that person if they were a woman saying that?  What if the person said “I know what it’s like struggling with lust because I’m a woman.”?  How many men in the room would think, “Ha! She has no idea!”?   You know… maybe.. maybe we don’t.  I’d be more inclined to say “maybe some women have no idea” but have you ever thought to yourself… maybe women do have some sort of idea, but because our Christian culture with its patriarchal roots has told us it’s not possible for us to want sex as much as men, we shut our mouths.

 

Someone please find for me a verse that talks about men being more sexually wired than women. (that’s not a challenge.. that’s a request)

 

In the same vein, what do you think the difference is between the number of guys vs girls who clicked on my post just for the title? or maybe avoided my post because of the title? (yes, it was 100% intentionally worded that way)  Do you think there is much of a tangible difference?

 

Let’s talk about the implications.  People grow up in the church hearing “Men you need to stop lusting after women” “Women, be careful of  those guys, because I’m a man and I know how sick a guy’s mind can be.” Men. Sex. Men. Porn. Men. Lust. Men. Masturbation. MENMENMENMEN!  What does that tell you?  That says, obviously the struggle to be pure is harder for men than it is for women, which is pretty much saying men want sex more than women do.  (WE DONT WANT SEX?!)  Therefor a lot of Christian guys come to this unconscious belief that since it must be easier for women to say no that WE should be the ones to stop them.  (….say what?) Don’t wait for us to tell you “when.”  We have to stop ourselves AND you on top of that?  So. Messed. Up.  Ever think about how men are (Biblically) supposed to be the leaders in the relationship.  Lead us towards purity.  Don’t wait for us to stop the physical progression.  If you want us to be trying to stop it, think about ways that YOU can stop it too.

 

Men, do you think it would be as much of a struggle if you weren’t the gender that the preaching was focused on?  -Yes?  Still?  Well, it’s still a struggle for women too.  Even though we’re not the ones being preached at.  -No?  You sure?  I know a lot of guys who say they struggle with self-image, and yet all the “You’re beautiful because you’re created in the image of God” talks are aimed at women.  I don’t think self-image is less of a struggle for guys.  Just the same, sex is not less of a struggle for women.

 

Saying that women don’t struggle as much, means they don’t think about it as much.  If they don’t think about it as much, therefor they don’t care about it as much.  Excuse me?  We don’t care about sex?  Do you think the way we were biologically created was not intended to care about sex?  Do you realize that women, (yes women.. not men) have the only body part created for humans with the sole purpose of sexual pleasure (aka the clitoris).  Every other body part that gives sexual pleasure has another purpose.  God made extra sure to point out that sex is for pleasure too… and gave WOMEN the painfully obvious evidence of that, not men.  And women were given the body that carry the implications of sex 9 months past sex itself.

 

PLUS!  You’re the ones always saying we’re complicated.  You think our complicated minds can’t come up with “sick” “twisted” thoughts like yours can?  Think again.

 

Then you add in emotions.  Now, if I want men to stop saying that women’s physical desires aren’t as strong, I will not deny that men probably have just as strong of emotions as well.  Here’s the thing though, men’s brains run parallel.  They know how to separate emotion from logic.  Women… not so much.  Then factor in that women produce more oxytocin (the bonding hormone).  Like a lot more.  We can even make it while we’re talking.   So on top of having our bodies and minds screaming for sex, our emotions are all “love me!” “appreciate me!” “bond with me!”  Oofta…

 

And also, the language surround sex in the Christian world gets gender assigned.   Women are encouraged/instructed to remain pure.  Everything is about “purity” with women.  But with men? “struggle” “avoiding temptation” “lust”  Why aren’t men talked to about purity?  Why aren’t women scolded about lusting?

 

I really have no idea how to end this post.  I guess I just want to say… Stop thinking sex isn’t a problem for women or that it isn’t a significant problem.  Stop disregarding the fact that we struggle physically and mentally.  Recognize that we carry those physical and mental struggles on top of the emotional need for acceptance and reassurance.  Stop thinking that our minds aren’t wrapped around sex as much as yours.  Give us credit.  We like sex.  We want sex.  Sex is not an afterthought for women.

 

Yes, there are exceptions.  There could be women who will read this and say “what the heck are you talking about?” just like I’m sure that there are men who sit in church and wonder why they keep getting lectured on sex because it’s not as big of a struggle for them.

 

I just want people to stop thinking that abstaining from sex, lust, etc. is easier for women.  If I didn’t think it was as big of a struggle, would I be writing this post?  Probably not.  So please don’t count me out and don’t put all the pressure to have it under control on me.

 

Thoughts? Questions?  Comment away.

2012 is Greater Than 2011… Mathematically Speaking: A Review of My Life This Year

Well, here we are at the end of the year.  The time that everyone looks back and reflects…and then looks forward and freaks out because its 2012 and the world is going to end this December!  Haha, kidding.  But being that it is a time to reminisce, reflect, and remember, I thought I might write a post on all that has happened this year.  It has been one of the most life changing years I have ever seen, therefor I think it deserves a post.

First off, let’s talk about how the world has changed.
-We started the year with the Egyptian revolution and Libyan protests.
-Then followed that with earthquake in New Zealand and tsunami in Japan.
-Fidel Castro resigned after 45 years in power.
-Rebecca Black went viral.
-Prince William got married.
-Osama Bin Laden died.
-Oprah Winfrey aired her last show.
-The NFL lockout happened… and thankfully ended.
-We reached the 10 year anniversary of September 11th.
-Kim Kardashian made a joke of marriage with her 10 million dollar wedding and her 72 days of marital “bliss.”
-New Zealand got another earthquake.
-Norway fell victim to terrorist attacks.
-The Occupy Wall Street movement started.
-Steve Jobs died.
-The U.S. Ended “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
-Turkey got an earthquake.
-The war in Iraq was officially ended.
-And Kim Jung Il died.

Between big figures both cultural and political, terrorists attacks, earthquakes, and revolutions, this year seems to be filled with a lot of death.  It’s actually very sad looking at it in review.

My life?  Well, I didn’t die, but a lot sure happened.

I started off the year with a sleep study to figure out why the heck I couldn’t stay awake during the day and couldn’t fall asleep at night.  The study did not provide any answers… but I did get free jimmy johns and the opportunity to look like the borg for a day.

I also attended my last counseling session (of the year, you never know when you’ll be back… I think probably soon).  I was very grateful for the work of my counselor.  She helped me come to terms with where I was, where I wanted to be, and how to get there.   I think counseling is something that most people should consider because of how beneficial it is, no matter how small or “controllable” your problems may seem.  You’ll read more about why I was in counseling later in the post.

My doctor started me on a new medication. It’s an anti-depressant that helps me stay awake.  My life has changed drastically since starting that (and taking melatonin at night).  I will never turn my nose up at medicines.  My mood, my sleep, and my overall wellness have improved greatly.

And my last notable event from the beginning of the year is my laptop!  I bought this machine that I’m typing on right now and have not been happier with a product.  Well, the speakers could be a little louder… haha.

That was all pretty much the first half of January.  Then at the end of January I moved to Philadelphia and transferred into a university out here on the east coast.  New city, new school, new life.

A couple weeks into starting at this school I decided to go veg and have not turned back since.  I also noticed a huge improvement in my wellness from living a vegetarian lifestyle.  It’s really been a benefit to my health.

I also started dating someone this year, Sohil.  Although we aren’t together anymore, it was refreshing to be in a relationship with someone who actually respected me.  I learned a lot about myself and what I want for my life.  Plus, he introduced to one of my newest obsessions… Bollywood!  It was my first interracial relationship and it was definitely an experience getting to learn a different culture and value system, try new foods, and just see how people responded to us.  Without him, I also probably never would have really gone vegetarian, so that was a definite bonus.  It also was my first (and I plan on it being the last) interfaith relationship I’ve ever been in.  He always supported me in my faith, but even just the little things made me realize how crucial it is to have the same faith.  And to all of you whom I lied to by saying he was a Christian, I am very sorry.  I was scared of your judgment and tired of the constant lectures I was getting. It was easier to say that than to explain myself.  This relationship taught me the value of having Christ at the center of relationships, which is a lesson I needed to feel and experience in order to learn it, instead of just “knowing” and being told it.

This year I was in my first musical: Little Women!  It was a great way for me to meet new people on campus and was a very rewarding experience.  I played a small role, did some extra work, and helped out backstage.  It was amazing how much music added to the emotion and life of the play.  Definitely something I learned a lot from.  AND my singing technique improved a lot.  I went from about a 2 octave vocal range to a 3. I’d say that’s a plus.

I have also dyed my hair 11 different shades/ways this year.
-Brown in February.
-Bleached for the play.
-Second bleaching for the play.
-An ashy blonde dye for the play.
-A more golden color to try to match my natural hair color.
-A red peek-a-boo dye that was supposed to be brown.
-A mahogany color.
-The bright red color I have sported for most of this year.
-A darker version of the red for a more permanent color with a wintery feel.
-Some brighter red into that faded dark red color
-And some bleached streaks in my hair (but that one’s not as noticeable).
If you are surprised that my hair hasn’t fallen out yet… don’t be.  The bleachings for the play fried my hair and I had to cut a lot.  And the red dye I use is a vegetable dye, not chemical.  So it actually conditions my hair instead of destroying it.

I reached the 1 year mark post-op for my knee.  A really weird feeling knowing that happened and knowing it was a year ago.  My scar, which used to be a purplish color that I hated and tried to cover with makeup, is now faded to my normal skin tone… it’s just a large line of different textured skin with some spot scars around my knee where they made small incisions.  And the good news is, a year and a half later I can finally say I have regained feeling in my leg.  Well, mostly.  There are still some places on my shin that I can’t feel temperatures and the place on my knee that the doctors told me I would never have feeling in again, but it’s good to no longer feel like I’m walking around with a wooden leg.

I ended my first semester at my new school and came home for the summer, where I got hooked on a cooking craze.  Rainbow pancakes, jello molds, miso soup, pot pies, and even baked Alaska.   I went a little overboard, but it definitely was a fun treat.

This summer I also got to see my crew of friends from my first college, Winona.  It was great to see them and to feel what it was like being “Kelso” again.

At the end of the summer me and my dad got in my red ford Taurus with the yellow sven and ole’s bumper sticker on the back, which I have lovingly named Caesar (and usually say the Hispanic version of that name), and drove half way across the country.  Minnesota to Pennsylvania.  It took two days of driving, and we drove through 6 states, but we did it.  And it was quite the experience.

Upon arriving in Pennsylvania, I moved into my first apartment with my roommates.  It was my first time having “my” kitchen and “my” living room shared with people who are not relatives.

Then I helped out on the Orientation Team at my school.  Part of me wonders if the actual orientation part was as fun as the training.  Being a part of Student Life was so much fun.  And getting to know the new freshmen and watch them integrate into the community was really cool.

Oh… The thing about Orientation weekend was that Hurricane Irene came through, so schedules got messed up and I experienced my first hurricane.  My first earthquake had been a few days before… but I didn’t even feel it so I don’t think that counts.  The fun part of it is that Irene started to show up just as I was leading my orientation group around Philly… We got kind of wet.

Ooo!  Another first.  One weekend I flew home and was waiting for my mom to pick me up at the airport.  While I was waiting I opened up my laptop and started working on a project, then I saw my mom’s van and got up to go meet her… only she didn’t know which door I was at and kept driving.  So I started running with my carry-on bag in tow and my laptop still opened in my arms to catch her before she drove off too far.  Running, running, turns out I’m a pretty fast runner, because I ran into an automatic door.  Yeah, I was going that fast that the door didn’t see me and started to close from the person who had walked through it before me.  Best part about it?  When I ran into the automatic door, it hit my arm upwards, sending the top of my laptop screen at my nose.  That’s right people, my first broken nose. from running into an automatic door.   But this nose break isn’t like how you guys are thinking.  It was actually the underside of my nose.  And recently it’s starting to hurt again, but I digress… first broken nose.

Now I said that being a part of Student Life WAS so much fun… I should probably fix that, because this year I got a job with Student Life.  My technical title is Student Programs Worker, but the best way to describe what I do is event coordination.  I get to continue to be a part of Student Life by working in the office and planning events like our hoedown and the campus Christmas celebration.  It can be a very taxing job, but it is fun and well worth it.  It truly is a blessing for me to work there.

This year I had another first as well: my first Thanksgiving without my parents.  I went to spend Thanksgiving in South Carolina with my grandparents on my mom’s side and my sister.  It was interesting not being at home and not having the same recipes, but definitely a great experience getting to be with my grandparents and sister without the whole gang.  I just got to have them to myself.  I had a great time.  Different, but undoubtedly good.

——

————

——

I would have to say that my two biggest changes this year would be in the mental and the social department.  As I mentioned in my last post about my song, I have a mental disorder- specifically, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.   It’s a type of anxiety disorder, not temporary like an acute stress reaction and a lot more specific than just “anxiety.”  It was mid-December 2010 that I was told that I have this, so 2011 has been figuring out myself through that lens.  At first it was really, really bad, but around late February it started getting easier, my symptoms weren’t as pronounced, and I was beginning to think it was going away.  Sure, I had little flare ups here and there over the spring and summer, but for the most part I felt like I was “back to normal.”

Then it really got serious this fall, hence the really depressing posts from October and November.  It’s been really difficult.  I want to convince myself that I am strong enough to overcome it and that I can put it behind me, but this isn’t something that just goes away. It’s something that sticks around.  And yes, it won’t be as frequently bothersome or as strong in years down the road, but I have to accept that it’s still going to be there.  It’s an aspect of my life that I can’t control (cue the perfect plug for faith in God’s will and plan for my life).  I’ve had to resign myself to thinking of it not as something I overcome, but something I become a master at coping with.  That’s something I’ve really been working on as of late, accepting it as a part of my story and who I am, and learning how to deal with the symptoms.

So be patient with me, because I treat people like crap.  When my symptoms set in, it’s a complete 180.   The easiest thing is to just not have expectations, because I will exceed them one day and not even come close to meeting them the next.  I’m not asking for excuses, I’m just asking you to be understanding.

——

————

——

 The change in my social life has been a big help in the mental department.  If you know me well, you would know that generally I make friends with guys and pretty much only guys. My entire high school career I was only ever friends with one female at a time and then a bunch of boys.  And don’t get me wrong, guys are great.  But I NEEDED more estrogen in my life.  Going to college, I made friends with some girls, but not many and not close friendships.   The only close female friend I had was my partner in crime, Jenny, from high school.  But as amazing as Jenny is, I knew I couldn’t rely on just one female in my life, especially going to school out of state.

So I prayed for more girls in my life.  And what do you know, God does provide!  This semester I met two ladies who have been very influential, active, and encouraging in my life: A’Driane and Tori.  (I mean if you really must know I became friends on facebook with A’Driane on September 14th and Tori on September 27th. Sometimes I have to add in a touch of quirky Kelsey and inform you of completely useless stuff…) I really haven’t known them for that long, but they are two of my closest friends.  And what a relief that they are females, haha.  They’re down to earth, they know how to have a good time, they give me practical advice, and they don’t let me get away with any B.S.  It’s been especially helpful having A’Driane’s encouragement in owning my story and accepting life with PTSD.   I really have been blessed this year to have them, and it amazes me that it’s only been 3 months that we’ve really known each other.  I can’t imagine my life without those two.

——

————

——

It’s amazing to me, looking back to one year ago.  I did not yet go to my school or know any of my east coast friends, I was just a fledgling in my life with PTSD, I was still happily munching on bdubs boneless chicken wings, and I knew so little about myself.  With the help of Sohil, A’Driane, Tori, many others, and a few good panic attacks this semester, I have come to a place where I understand who I am so much better.  The way I function finally makes sense to me, and I’m learning to embrace my identity.

For those of you who knew me back in the day, I still have the same sense of humor, I still like the same music, and I still have that really weird personality that can’t identify with any group of people… but I am not who I was.  It’s bittersweet, ya know?  I miss that girl that I was, but I am at peace and confident in the woman I’m becoming.  And I can finally call myself a woman without feeling awkward seeing as I will no longer be a teenager this January… That’s kind of scary, but mostly not because I really don’t feel like a “teenager” anyways.  Can my 20th birthday just get here already???

So adios to my childhood, my preteen years, my teenage years, and my awkward first years of college discovering who I am.  Meet Kelsey.  The adult.  The chick with the red hair.  That person that just crawled out of her room for a cup of tea to calm her nerves after a run in with her PTSD.  The Kelsey who FINALLY has friends who are female!  That girl you don’t want to cross the wrong way, ‘cause she can have a sassy attitude just like her Grandma.   The one who won’t let you get away with an offensive comment.  The counseling major who will hopefully be getting her masters three years from now. And the Kelsey who is emerging into a new stage in her life.

OH!  Speaking of three years… guess who will have a clean driving record for three years this New Year’s Eve.  That’s right.  No more bad driver comments people!

In conclusion, I just want to thank you all for the support and friendship you’ve shown me.  It’s been a confusing year of a lot of “firsts” and “new” and it’s been good to have new friends open their arms to me, and old friends being my support back home.

So… Here’s to 2012!

Kiss Me Tonight

I want you
To kiss me tonight
From across the starry sky
One and two
Wish me goodnight
And with that my heart will fly

And hold me
In your arms so warm
Safe in the moonbeam’s light
Refreshed and free
I find these things borne
In your grasp that makes all feel right

Talk me to sleep
With your songless lullaby
Let your words drown out the night
Allow me to keep
The sound of your voice
Clasped in my heart with all my might

Calm me while I doze
With your thoughts and love
Though you’re miles away this night
I’ll keep you close
And return all the above
Then end with a sweet kiss goodnight

Somberness. Not sobriety or sombreros.

Somber is the moment you compare their lives to yours
and do not like the things you see
Somber is the moment you find your chain attached once more
and realize you’re not free

A gloomy day is warm and sunny
left with expectations unmet
A gloomy heart finds everything funny
and all the jokes it forgets

Everything turns serious when you lay out your dreams
and have no means to get there
Life become serious when your core is ripped at the seams
and tension is left in the air

What a dreary moment,
when the “new you” is stuck in the past
Life missing so many components
But it’s only a season that won’t last

To look at your future with uncertainty and fear
not knowing which path is yours
It’s what makes you question all you hold dear
when just a while ago you were so sure

Odd and strange, you’ll find it
And will not know quite what to do
These feelings won’t stay binded
But you’ll leave somber through and through

Be Patient With Me

Be patient with me
I just need some time
Sometimes I’m just stubborn
And I don’t really know why

You know you light up my life
Don’t think for a second it’s not true
But sometimes I just get funky
And it somehow comes out on you

Be patient with me
I’ve got a battle inside
I’m trying to figure out what’s best
And it’s kind of hard for me to decide

You can make me smile in an instant
But today I don’t feel like myself
Don’t let it get to you
Don’t let me inconvenience yourself

So be patient with me
Cause I probably won’t tell you when you ask
It’s just little things I let get to me
Please don’t push me to unmask

Don’t be afraid or think I’m going
It’s nothing like that of the sort
I’m just trying to let these things go
So I can be here for you, full support

I love you, you know this
And I want what’s best for you
That’s why it’s hard to figure out
Just give me time and I’ll get through