Uncontrollable. That’s how I feel.
Like no matter how hard I try to get a hold of this, its always got a leg up on me.
Just when I think I finally have it into a manageable system.
Stress. Anxiety. Fatigue.
I can’t focus.
My mind becomes consumed by it.
I want to convince myself that its not real, or that it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be.
But then this monster shows its true colors and strikes me down again.
What is it that makes me feel this way?
What is it that constantly brings this all back to mind?
What is it that causes me to lose focus on all else?
And why does my head say one thing… but the rest of me won’t register.
I KNOW you are good, and honest, and that you have a lot of integrity… but my body tells me not to trust you.
Why? Maybe it’s the way you laugh, or the things you’re interested in, or how you interact with people. Maybe it’s the way you look, or the names you call me, or just the fact that you are what you are.
You can’t change it. I’m trying to change it.
I’m just not strong enough.
Prayer prayer prayer. but I only find myself in set backs.
It’s getting harder, not easier. This isn’t how it should be.
Do you understand what I’m telling you?
Sometimes, I can’t give a friend a hug without being struck dumb with fear and overcome with nausea.
Sometimes, if I’m sitting too close to someone in a car or on the couch, it feels like everything is closing in on me.
Sometimes, a single, unrelated word will send memories flooding back into my head… and I find myself debating whether to try to drown it out with numbness or write it out like I am now.
Sometimes, I’m just fine or I can suppress it just enough to the point that you can’t see it- and that’s what makes it even more confusing to everyone around me. Because when they see it, it’s out of the blue. I can see it crawling slowly in.
And every time this happens, I have zero ability to articulate what’s going on. My mouth becomes paralyzed. It’s been this way since the beginning. If I could explain what was going on right then and there, I would find a way to. I don’t like leaving people feeling confused, helpless, or in the dark, because I’m all too familiar with those feelings.
I want to prove to myself that I can be stronger, but this monster does everything it can to prove that I am weaker.
I feel God’s love in this all, but I am still wrestling and hurting. And that’s ok. It’s the beast of this world. The reality of a fallen creation. My joy is in the Lord. I may not keep a smile on my face, but I can feel his presence and love in my heart.
So do me a favor:
-Don’t try to fix me. Because I don’t need “fixing.” I need help- Assistance. And you can’t help me. Unless you are a licensed professional, you have no human means of helping me. So don’t.
-Don’t give me an interrogation of sad, heartfelt questions or the constant sympathetic looks from across the room. This is my problem, not yours. And I get that you’re upset for me, but don’t let me know. I don’t need to feel guilty for you feeling sad that I’m stuck in this. I don’t need that extra weight. I just need my life to be normal. I need people to be around me, and I need them to be normal. So that I have the promise of at least something in my life to not be tainted by this.
-Don’t try giving me words of wisdom, heart-warming songs, comforting passages from the Bible. I see the truth and beauty behind it all, but you don’t have the filter that I have. You don’t see the definitions and implications of certain words like I do. And sometimes, those verses you find so fitting and beautiful, make me feel like absolute crap.
-Don’t try to explain it to me, especially if you have no clue what is going on. A lot of times the things you will say will either make me mad at God or convince me that it’s all my fault. And that’s the last thing I need.
I’m trying to learn to articulate my struggles and my frustrations in a way that’s clear. Because anyone who hasn’t been through this before will not understand it, and they end up doing the exact opposite of what I need.
It’s looming over my head. I know that there’s a big bomb about to be dropped. I write this to prepare you and myself for when that bomb explodes.