That Monster

Uncontrollable.  That’s how I feel.
Like no matter how hard I try to get a hold of this, its always got a leg up on me.

Just when I think I finally have it into a manageable system.
BAM

Stress.  Anxiety.  Fatigue.

It’s debilitating.
I can’t focus.

My mind becomes consumed by it.

I want to convince myself that its not real, or that it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be.
But then this monster shows its true colors and strikes me down again.

…But why?
What is it that makes me feel this way?
What is it that constantly brings this all back to mind?
What is it that causes me to lose focus on all else?

And why does my head say one thing… but the rest of me won’t register.

I KNOW you are good, and honest, and that you have a lot of integrity… but my body tells me not to trust you.

Why?  Maybe it’s the way you laugh, or the things you’re interested in, or how you interact with people.  Maybe it’s the way you look, or the names you call me, or just the fact that you are what you are.

You can’t change it.  I’m trying to change it.
I’m just not strong enough.

Prayer prayer prayer.  but I only find myself in set backs.

It’s getting harder, not easier.  This isn’t how it should be.

Do you understand what I’m telling you?
Sometimes, I can’t give a friend a hug without being struck dumb with fear and overcome with nausea.
Sometimes, if I’m sitting too close to someone in a car or on the couch, it feels like everything is closing in on me.
Sometimes, a single, unrelated word will send memories flooding back into my head… and I find myself debating whether to try to drown it out with numbness or write it out like I am now.
Sometimes, I’m just fine or I can suppress it just enough to the point that you can’t see it- and that’s what makes it even more confusing to everyone around me.  Because when they see it, it’s out of the blue.  I can see it crawling slowly in.

And every time this happens, I have zero ability to articulate what’s going on.  My mouth becomes paralyzed.  It’s been this way since the beginning.  If I could explain what was going on right then and there, I would find a way to.  I don’t like leaving people feeling confused, helpless, or in the dark, because I’m all too familiar with those feelings.

I want to prove to myself that I can be stronger, but this monster does everything it can to prove that I am weaker.

I feel God’s love in this all, but I am still wrestling and hurting.  And that’s ok.  It’s the beast of this world.  The reality of a fallen creation.  My joy is in the Lord.  I may not keep a smile on my face, but I can feel his presence and love in my heart.

So do me a favor:
-Don’t try to fix me.  Because I don’t need “fixing.”  I need help- Assistance.  And you can’t help me.  Unless you are a licensed professional, you have no human means of helping me.  So don’t.
-Don’t give me an interrogation of sad, heartfelt questions or the constant sympathetic looks from across the room.  This is my problem, not yours.  And I get that you’re upset for me, but don’t let me know.  I don’t need to feel guilty for you feeling sad that I’m stuck in this.  I don’t need that extra weight.  I just need my life to be normal.  I need people to be around me, and I need them to be normal.   So that I have the promise of at least something in my life to not be tainted by this.
-Don’t try giving me words of wisdom, heart-warming songs, comforting passages from the Bible.  I see the truth and beauty behind it all, but you don’t have the filter that I have.   You don’t see the definitions and implications of certain words like I do.  And sometimes, those verses you find so fitting and beautiful, make me feel like absolute crap.
-Don’t try to explain it to me, especially if you have no clue what is going on.  A lot of times the things you will say will either make me mad at God or convince me that it’s all my fault.  And that’s the last thing I need.

I’m trying to learn to articulate my struggles and my frustrations in a way that’s clear.  Because anyone who hasn’t been through this before will not understand it, and they end up doing the exact opposite of what I need.

It’s looming over my head.  I know that there’s a big bomb about to be dropped.  I write this to prepare you and myself for when that bomb explodes.

“You” Is A General Audience

I am trapped in side my own head.
With no way to tell you what’s going on.
I am tortured day and night.
Too scared to fall asleep.
Too upset to stay awake.
I’m nauseous.
I can’t seem to get enough air.
Everything is closing in on me.
It gets worse as the days inch closer.
As if my body just knows.
And yet I’m still two and a half weeks away.
I don’t know how I am going to handle that many more days of this.
I want to scream it out.
I want to tell you.
But I can’t.
I don’t know why, but I can’t.
I know you’ll want to say
“So tell me what’s going on?” or “Explain your post” or “Want to talk?”
Please don’t.
You’ll only frustrate me more because I’ll frustrate myself.
You’ll only upset me more because I’ll upset myself.
I just need to type this.
I need to put it out there.
So that I can at least feel like I tried to scream.
I tried to scream…
Maybe I shouldn’t post this.
But that’s what I’ve been doing.
And it’s only making it worse.
So I am forcing myself to post this.
Not damaged goods.  Not damaged goods.  Not damaged goods.
It won’t stick.
I try to prove something to myself, but it only gets worse.
I want to push past, but it just keeps pulling me down.
I wish you could help me.
I want you to help me.
But you don’t know how to give me the help I need.
And if you try it will get worse.
God help me.

The Emperor Moth

I never really thought to post this, but my mind has been coming back to it over and over this week.   This is something I wrote over Christmas break last year.  There are two sections to it.  The first was written in one of the worst places I have ever found myself in my life.  I was mad at God, but too afraid to admit it.   These emotions all came rushing into my head and I did the only thing I knew what to do.  Write.

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Part 1:

I am broken
but I don’t feel like it.

I am worth more than I can imagine
but I don’t feel like it.

I did not deserve that
but I don’t feel like it.

I am not alone
but I feel like it.

I am not damaged goods
but I feel like it.

I don’t have to be invincible
but I feel like it.

But Kelsey, where is God in all of this?
YOU TELL ME!

God is the one who made me into this little doormat that I am.

He’s the one who let this happen.

So tell me… Where is God?

What kind of father purposely breaks His daughter?

Why would He break my heat?

Why would He crush my spirit?

Why would He send the wolves out on me?

Why would He cage me in fear?

Why God?  Why?

What kind of sick joke is this?

I feel hopeless
like a cavity,
empty and decaying.

Is this punishment for my past?

“Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough?”

I’m not mad at God today.
I’m just broken.
I’m lost.
I’m hurting.
I’m lifeless.

If I can’t get my eyes back on the cross soon, I’m gonna lose it.

Or I’ll just pick myself back up and fake it.  But I don’t want that.

I’m a terrible Christian.

I don’t read my Bible everyday.

I don’t pray everyday.

I’m not satisfied in Christ alone.

I’m not finding joy in God.

I don’t rejoice in my identity.

What am I doing?

What makes me think I’m fit for the field?

I just talk the talk… where’s the walk?

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The second part was written a couple nights later, I sat in my bed late at night stewing in anger.   I pulled out my ipod, turned on the angriest and least understandable screamo music I could find, and blasted it as loud as I could handle.  Then, out of no where, “Our God” by Chris Tomlin shuffled into the mix.  I had been turning off every worship song that came on as quick as I could in the days before that night, but for some reason my hand froze.  I allowed myself to listen to the words and I broke.  I sobbed harder than I ever knew was possible.  And through the tears came a sigh of relief for my entire body, a smile on my face, and the words of the second portion of this writing.

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Part 2:

Fresh, cold, icy water
Through my hair, down my back, down my throat.

In my soul.  Cleansing.  Refreshing.

My soul is awakening to a new phase.  A new day is rising.

God is making me into an iron saint.

Forging is painful.
Purifying is painful.
Healing is painful.

But I am His.

I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am special.
I have a purpose.

The devil has no hold over me.  His lies have no power.

This is the power of the cross.
This is Christ in me.

God has a purpose.
He has a reason.

and it is good!

He was protecting me.
He was preparing me.

He is blessing me,
not cursing me.

He is higher than any other.
He is above all.
His name is to be praised.

In the depths of my despair and the mountaintops of my joy.

HE IS FOR ME!

Who can stand against my God and His purpose?  Praise be to God!

Every time He touches my life it’s a blessing, because He does it in His indescribable love. Oh the unspeakable wonders of the Lord!

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So welcome to a portion of where I’ve been with the Lord this past year.  He has been teaching me, and I feel comfortable and prepared at this time to reveal how my walk with Him has been to you all.

At the end of writing it all, a quote stuck in my head from a book I had been reading that I want to share with you.  The author was talking about a time he had tried to help an emperor moth out of its cocoon, but by interfering with the moth’s natural process he weakened the creature and it could never fly.  At the end of the story he wrote:

“Don’t fight your way out of the cocoon to get quick relief… Work your way out over time, so you can develop your wings and SOAR.”

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I hope in some way you’ve been blessed by me sharing this.

Somberness. Not sobriety or sombreros.

Somber is the moment you compare their lives to yours
and do not like the things you see
Somber is the moment you find your chain attached once more
and realize you’re not free

A gloomy day is warm and sunny
left with expectations unmet
A gloomy heart finds everything funny
and all the jokes it forgets

Everything turns serious when you lay out your dreams
and have no means to get there
Life become serious when your core is ripped at the seams
and tension is left in the air

What a dreary moment,
when the “new you” is stuck in the past
Life missing so many components
But it’s only a season that won’t last

To look at your future with uncertainty and fear
not knowing which path is yours
It’s what makes you question all you hold dear
when just a while ago you were so sure

Odd and strange, you’ll find it
And will not know quite what to do
These feelings won’t stay binded
But you’ll leave somber through and through

Searching For Answers

I’m being torn in two
Not quite sure what to do
Love and needs pulling me apart
By the passions and fears that live inside my heart

It’s only going deeper
This mountain is getting steeper
Wait for wisdom or wait out the time?
God, I’m not really sure which path is mine.

Hearing all these songs
Reminding me of where I belong
Or is it just a dream that my heart can’t escape?
Are they just glimmers of hope that never really take shape?

One answer’s all I need.
Clarity on where my life will lead.
When and where? I just need to know.
I’m breaking at the seams from this overflow.

But I’ll have to wait
Right now that’s my fate
I don’t know how much longer I’ll last
It’s hard living a life that feels like a continual impasse.

Don’t know what to call this – NP

Is it possible to feel two emotions at once?
Not just any two emotions… but two that are completely contradictory to each other.

How is it possible that I feel so happy but I want to burst into tears?
How can I feel so alive but caged and dead at the same time?

I’m being fed too much intelligence and viewing myself from a text book.
I don’t need opinions and facts.  I need to take things to heart.

I need to forget.

Cheers to a Broken Heart

God, you’ve  shot me, straight through the heart.
—-So go ahead and trash the rest of me, if you’re so bent on keeping us apart.

How could you?  How could you ever do this to me?
—-It’s not like I went looking.  This is something I could never foresee.

How can I trust you, when all you bring me is pain?
—-You can’t keep torturing me like this.  You gotta explain.

You’ve allowed me to give away my heart and now you let me burn
—-And I don’t want to look back at this and say “lessoned learned.”

This isn’t a dumb lesson!  This is life!  This is heartbreak!
—-And I don’t want to live with and empty hole.  I don’t want to ache.

He’s perfect by every standard, why can’t he be right by yours?
—-Why would you do this to me?!  I’ve never been hurt like this before.

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?  Why are you breaking me this way?
—-If I don’t find out soon I’ll just end up dying inside each day.

So there.  He’s yours.  I hate the fact we ever met.
—-Cause all the pain you’ve put me through for him is something I’d like to forget.

Take him.  I’m done.  And I can’t help but feel this is your fault.
—-Cause you made me fall in love, you made his eyes blind, and you struck my heart with this assault.

These are your rules.  I’m choosing you over him.  Are you happy now?
—-Cause I cannot begin tell you the rage I feel from your “plan”, your rules, my vow.

I gave you my all, and you hand me back agony.
—-So do what you must.  Cause this has been too much for me.

Figure this one on your own, and leave my heart out.
—-Cause its not fair to blindside me with love, and then leave me without.

I hate every word, every emotion, and every minute of these past five months.
—-You’ve dragged me along, lead my heart into bliss, and made me look like a dunce.

So thanks.  Thanks a lot.  Thanks for the torment.  Thanks for this wound.
—-You’ve told me to wait, and God, I’ve tried!  But my heart is not immune.

How can I be expected to wait, when I’m bursting everyday?
—-Now all that’s left is emptiness, anger, and a girl in tears every time she prays.

Is this what you wanted for me?  Cause you’re the one who rolled these dice.
—-I’m beyond the point of reason, encouragement, or advice.

This is driving me crazy and killing me inside.
So here’s to every laugh, smile, song, and to the one in whom I could confide.
Here’s to the moment when I broke and to every tear I cried.
Here’s to the day when you killed me and put all meaning of love aside.
And here… here’s to the day that my worthless heart died.

I Will

I will be faithful to my first love.
And I will obey the Word from above.
I will be broken to be whole again.
And I will be thankful before I say amen.

I will bless Him even through my pain.
And I will love my brother, Christian or Jain.
I will be hurt, even if I am strong.
And I will be confused. Is falling in love wrong?

I will wonder is things will ever be right.
And I will wonder if God will give him sight.
I will beg and plead harder than I ever have before.
I will pray less for myself and for him even more.

I will accept God’s will, even if it isn’t my own.
And I will take the cup even if I must drink alone.
I will cling to my Rock, and hold fast to my King.
And I will praise His name, what ever life brings.