Let me note, that I have a powerpoint I need to make, a 30 page worksheet thing to finish, two papers to write, and worship team practice that all have to get done by tonight… These are not the things I SHOULD be getting done as well. But I have to write. I have to get this out. It’s too much for a tweet or even one of my lengthy facebook statuses. So alas, if you plan on reading this, you are planning on listening to me vent.
I have so much going on right now. I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m behind everywhere although I’m not. These past couple of weeks have been really taxing. And I’ve slipped into the classic Kelsey mode of “I can handle it.” I can DO it with God’s help, but right now, I can’t “handle” it.
I lost my car this week to a lot of unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances. That’s really tough. I can’t get a second job off campus like I had wanted. So now I have to get a job on campus. I need a minimum of 20 hours a week to make my tuition payments and everywhere on campus pays minimum wage and has really crappy hours. So, I’m stressing about that. Plus, being out a car… it’s a huge difference. I have to ask a friend for a ride if I want to go to target for prescriptions, razors, pantyhose… I can’t drive my friend to the hospital when they break their finger in the intramural football game… I can’t say to my friends “Hey, let’s go to applebees for half price apps tonight!”… I hate that. I hate this. I miss my car and to be honest I was really attached to it. I had a lot of memories in that car. It’s a serious blow.
The job I do have right now is great. I love it. I get to be apart of the major event planning on campus. Wouldn’t trade it at all. But it takes unforeseen time out of my schedule. I’m used to working a for a few hours on two or three specific days of the week. But with the nature of the events we’re working on right now, I’m finding myself handling work business outside of my work hours. Welcome to the real world huh? I just don’t have a lot of schedule consistency right now and I really am not a fan. It will get better in a week or so.
My worship team is playing an all worship chapel on Friday. So we have about 9 songs we’ve been preparing, but we’re not quite there yet. And that’s stressing me out.
Sleep. I’m not getting enough sleep and my sleep schedule is so whack. Welcome to the life of a college kid. I haven’t gone to bed before midnight in I don’t know how long… last night I finally got to sleep around 4am. It’s like my first semester of college all over again.
Food. My diet here is a joke. I live off of starch and fat. The fruit is always rotten. The only vegetable that is consistently fresh and actually tasty is the spinach. I honestly eat mostly rice and beans. My friends notice it too and like to poke fun at how nasty it looks. Plus I eat everything with gallons of hot sauce to either mask the weird flavor or make up for the flavor its lacking. I really don’t know what else to eat. My cafeteria is NOT vegetarian friendly. They put meat in everything. Burrito? BEEF burrito. Enchiladas? CHICKEN enchiladas. Grilled cheese? Grilled HAM and cheese. Pasta bake? SAUSAGE pasta bake. Every now and then they have a “vegetarian bar” that has limp celery, carrot sticks, sunflower seeds, beans, and hard boiled eggs that have turned green. I’m sorry, what? That’s what vegetarians eat for dinner? I’ve been a vegetarian almost two years now and that’s not what I eat for a meal. I don’t want to just fill up on french fries, mac n cheese, and cheese pizza… but sometimes when I’m tired of rice and beans, that’s all there is. Cereal. There’s lots of cereal. But my body is so hungry. It needs vitamins and minerals and protein. GIVE ME PROTEIN! The only protein sources I have here are eggs (when they have them), peanut butter, beans, and cheese. And cheese does not count as protein. Thank goodness I have quinoa and chobani in my apartment.
My schedule. Agh. Mondays and Tuesdays are horrors for me and Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays are spent catching up with what was put off because of the busy Mon/Tues. I feel like I’m running like a chicken with its head cut off.
Church. I miss being at Passion City Church. I felt like my soul was REALLY fed there and I’m getting a little hungry.
Minnesota. Gall I miss home. So many sites my eyes wish to see. So many places I want to be. I want to go to Ritter Farm Park, and Indigo tea, and the Mall of America, and to the sculpture garden, and to the top of Buck Hill late at night, and to my back yard. And the culture. I miss Minnesota nice.
My friends. I miss deep friendship. I have a couple really close friends here, but I’m so busy! I haven’t seen my best friend since June. Heck, I haven’t seen most of my closest friends since my family moved from Minnesota. That’s really taken a toll on me. I miss feeling like someone was invested in me and I in them.
My family. I miss my family. I miss Zach’s sweet affection. I miss being astounded by Philip’s brilliance. I miss goofing around with Ruth and hearing her singing in her room. I miss being a part of Joseph’s life. I feel like he’s changing and learning so much and I’m not there for it. I miss I miss having my mom as my friend. Being the only ones we really knew in the state of Georgia really gave us time together and I miss that. I miss my dad’s wisdom and peace. He’s a place of stability for me and I’m really lacking that right now. and heck, I miss my dog. That old, fat, ugly thing. I miss Lewis a lot.
EDIT: I do not want to make it seem like I do not miss Haley, Cody, or Megan too. I was listing off my family at home. My sisters and brother in law are dear to me. It just didn’t come naturally to list them when I was thinking about stuff I miss from home since they haven’t lived at home in many many years.
Today’s been rough for many reasons. The lack of sleep certainly doesn’t help. Oversleeping and missing chapel definitely didn’t help either. My lunch of white rice, cheese pizza, and fruit loops DEFINITELY is not helping. The overwhelming work load isn’t so great either, but what’s worse is that it feels really accomplishable, so I feel guilty for not being able to pound it out like I want to. I also had time to be faced with the reality of one of my friends here leaving, and I don’t like it at all. Don’t get me wrong I really think they should go based on the circumstances. But the selfish side of me doesn’t want to say goodbye. BUT the big kicker of the day was class.
In one of my classes we’ve been asked to share our testimonies, our life stories, our spiritual journeys thus far. I haven’t given my testimony in front of a group of more than 2 people in 3 years. And even then, the big stuff of my testimony has happened in these past 3 years from the last time I shared it. So, really. I’ve never shared this part of my life with a large group of people. God’s really been working on me to open up about my testimony, and I was all “yeah, cool God. We’ll get to that.” and God was like “Yes we will, we’ll get to that now. Here’s your homework for this class!” Holy buckets. I am honestly so freaked about sharing my life story. There’s parts of my story that I’ve only shared with a small handful of people. There’s even parts that I haven’t talked with my siblings about. Sharing this takes a huge leap of faith and a huge piece of vulnerability for me and I’m scared. Every day we get to class and about 2 or 3 people share theirs per class at random. I’m always freaking out about when it’s going to be my turn. “Should I share today?” “Should I go after he’s done?”
Today was awful. I decided I needed to share mine today. I was going to do it. It was time. I couldn’t keep going through class every MWF feeling so anxious. I spent the entire class wringing my hands, shaking, breathing fast (which.. actually.. I always do anyways), and having to wipe my hands because my palms were so sweaty, just waiting for my chance to share. My friend next to me was chuckling because of how nervous I was, and laughter helped… but I was still really anxious about my moment to share . Only guess what. That moment never showed up. So I headed back to my apartment frustrated with sweaty palms, a shaking body, a dizzy head, and a stomach ache like no other. Anxiety blows. It’s been over an hour since I got back from class and I’m still shaky and sweaty, despite the fact that I’ve just been sitting here doing nothing but drinking my tea.
I have a good life. I have a good job, a good school, good friends, a good God. Life is good and pleasant. But I just feel like crying. And I don’t mean like the sniffles and tearing up thing I’ve been doing while I’ve written this post. I mean like a good, long, hard cry. I feel like sobbing. But I have no where to go. Honestly, if I had my car. I would grab some mascara and cover-up (for the aftermath), get in my car, drive to a park, and have at it. But right now. I’ve got no where. There’s no place that I can go where there isn’t people around. It’s tiresome keeping it together 24/7. “But Kelsey, isn’t there someone you can go to?” Yeah, there are lots of people I can go to, but I don’t want to. I just want this emotional side of it all to be between me and God right now. I hate showing emotions like this around people. Ugh, I should probably be going back to Oasis (the counseling center here on campus).
I’ve spent an hour and a half writing this post that maybe 35 people will read according to my stats for most posts like this. But whatever. I needed to get all of this out. I needed to vent. And honestly, I do feel a little better now. Moral of the story, life’s good but life sucks. and it’s just one of those times when things are really stressful. Really, I’ve never been so much at peace with where I am at with God, and I’ve never had as much self-esteem as I do now. Two of the big things that usually eat at me couldn’t be better. It’s just been a build up of unfortunate circumstances and I needed to get it out.